If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
