I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
