Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
