What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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