I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
