Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
