Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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