I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
