8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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