this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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