I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
