i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
