i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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