I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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