need another drink. this is the easiest way
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
