There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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