Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
