a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
