I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
