Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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