shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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