Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
