You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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