I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
