im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
