Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
