So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
