I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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