...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
