Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
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