trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I am naked and annoyed.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
