i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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