life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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