***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
