so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
