Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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