I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
