Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
