Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
whose parrot is this?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
