It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
