i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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