I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Text me some of your sweat
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