i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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