you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
