awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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