Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
