Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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