Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
