I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
