Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
