I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
